Well, my gym finally got a new scale, so earlier this week I stepped up on it. I weighed 136.

Was I disappointed? Yes—at first. In fact I think I went through the 12 stages of grief about it. First, denial (“This is a new scale! I just ate!”) on through anger at myself (“no more granola, you pig”), and depression about it.

And now, acceptance.

It’s a truism that the scale is “just a number” and does not, in fact, affect how you look. But it’s also easy to lose sight of that fact. And I feel like I look good.

More than that, I feel good. I am wearing a size 8. I exercise daily, even if it’s for only 10 minutes. I pay attention to internal, not external cues, to tell me what to eat and how much. I don’t beat myself up over mistakes, and that keeps my “mistakes” from snowballing. I eat lots of vegetables and avoid processed food. I feel healthy, I have energy, and I don’t obsess about food all the time.

So, in a way, I’ve come full circle, back to my mantra from when I was recovering from my dieting dysfunction of my teen years. Just eat “like a normal person” (I think that’s really what intuitive eating means). But I have a new definition of normal, one that is healthier than it was before (more salads, more vegetables, more fresh food). I am a little disappointed that I was only able to maintain a 14 pound weight loss instead of the original 20 I was aiming for. But I feel confident that I can maintain this weight, and that, in fact, I already have been for several months.

So I probably won’t keep up this blog. I’ll leave it up so I can look back at my recipes, but I won’t be updating anymore. It’s been a good ride, but it’s served it’s purpose.

B: cottage cheese, veggies, granola/milk
S1: pear, apple, PB
L: 3 pork meatballs, baked beans, green salad
S2: figs, cheese, 1 1/2 ww cookies
D: curry chicken, brown rice, green beans, 2 glasses wine

I got my “Intuitive Eating” book yesterday, and I’ve been reading it and thinking about how to implement it. It’s silly, but I actually find it rather scary. (I would not have guessed I would react like this.) The idea of having no foods at all be “off limits,” and going entirely by hunger and fullness cues—while seeming common sensical on the surface, it also seems to just throw everything I know out the window. How do I know that I won’t end up exactly where I started?

Stopping halfway through a meal and paying attention to how my stomach feels is just common sense, and I’ve found out already that I’m less likely to stuff myself with muffins if I don’t think of them as “forbidden.” But does that really apply to pies, cookies, and desserts? I get the concept—that you find out what your body really likes to have, and that your body doesn’t really want to eat PopTarts all day. I have grown to love eating veggies at almost every meal. I love the new foods I’m making. I feel like the food I eat is tasty and satisfying. So why do I think that if I give myself permission to eat whatever I want, that I’ll have dessert after every meal?

It comes down to trusting my body, I guess. I thought I did, but I’m finding out that I actually don’t.

B: cottage cheese, pear, flax seeds; veggies
S1: apple, PB
L: carne adovada
S2: 1/2 cup of Fiber One, milk
D: black bean casserole, steamed broccoli (from the garden!)

Now that we’re getting into some cooler weather, I am eager to start experimenting with casseroles again. Here’s what I made tonight—delicious!

Black Bean Casserole:

1 onion, diced
1/2 pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 15 oz can diced tomatoes, drained
2 cans black beans
1 tsp adobo seasoning
1 tsp cumin
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
2 tablespoons green salsa
2 cups grated cheddar cheese (or monterey jack)
2 whole wheat tortillas, cut into 1 inch pieces
handful of crushed corn tortilla chips

Preheat oven to 350. Saute onion and pepper over medium heat for 6 or 7 minutes, until onions are translucent. Add garlic and cook for another minute. Add tomatoes, beans, and spices, and heat through.

Spread 1/3 of bean mixture in casserole dish, then one of the cut up tortillas, then 1/3 of the cheese. Then more bean mixture, the other cut up tortilla, and more cheese. Then again. Sprinkle the crushed corn chips over the last layer of cheese. Bake for 30-40 minutes, covered, then remove lid and bake for 10 more minutes.

This was really good, and the red quinoa together with the red and yellow peppers and cherry tomatoes made it very colorful and unique. I served it at a Labor Day dinner, and it was a big hit!

Quinoa Zucchini Salad

1 cup dry red quinoa, rinsed (could use regular quinoa)

2-3 medium zucchinis
1 tsp salt

2 cloves garlic
1-2 T chopped fresh basil
1 T balsamic vinegar
olive oil
1 tsp salt

1/2 red pepper, diced
1/2 yellow pepper, diced
10-12 cherry tomatoes (ideally, a mixture of colors), halved
4 oz goat cheese

Directions:

Cook quinoa according to package directions, set aside.

Cut zucchinis in half, then quarter them lengthwise. Slice off interior seeds and discard. Grate the zucchini in a food processor or on a box grater. Toss with 1 tsp salt and set aside for 15 minutes. Rinse off the salt, then squeeze out excess water by wrapping the zucchini in a couple of clean kitchen towels and wringing it out over the sink.

Meanwhile, finely dice or crush garlic. Stir with 2 tsp olive oil, 1 T balsamic vinegar, and 1-2 T chopped basil leaves.

After you’ve squeezed the water out of the zucchini, toss with 1-2 tsp oil and saute it over medium heat until some of it has browned (about 3-5 minutes). Add more oil if necessary. Stir in the garlic mixture and cook for a minute or two more. Stir in cooked quinoa. Let cool.

Add peppers, tomatoes, and goat cheese. Add salt and pepper to taste. Serve cold or at room temperature.

B: veggies, cottage cheese, 1/2 bean burger
S1: pear, PB
L: chicken salad wrap
S2: 1 2/ piece of pear pie
D: carne adovada, salad/no dressing, 3 quesadilla wedges
Dessert: 1/2 piece pear pie with small scoop of vanilla

For the past month, I’ve been dealing with all the pears from our pear tree—big crop this year! I’ve given them away by the bag, made pear bread and two batches of pear jelly.

I have been torn about making a pie. A rental we were living in a number of years ago also had a pear tree, and one year I must have made 4 pies and who knows how many cobblers, crisps, muffins, and breads. Looking back, that fall was one of those “turning point” moments, where I can see it pushed me into a phase of unhealthy, overindulgent eating and weight gain.

So I didn’t want that to happen this year, and determined early on that my main use of the pears would be reduced-sugar pear jelly, which is quite delicious. It has a mild flavor reminiscent of honey. But yesterday I decided I would make one pie this year, enjoy it, and move on. I reduced the sugar in the filling from 3/4 cup to 1/2 cup, and replaced half the flour in the crust with whole wheat pastry flour. I used up the last of the lard in the pie crust too (using a combination of butter, shortening, and lard). But I didn’t want to fiddle with it too much. Pie crust can be a finicky thing, and I wanted to make it right.

I have to say, this is one of the most delicious pies I have ever eaten. But, I’m trying to use an intuitive eating approach, so I’m not stuffing myself with dessert every night. I figure if I listen to my body regarding my hunger signals, I won’t be eating too many extra calories while I work my way through this pie. I am a little nervous about this, but we’ll see how it goes.

(This pie recipe is adapted from Cook’s Illustrated’s apple pie recipe.)

Pear Pie

Crust:
1 cup all purpose flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 stick butter, chilled
2 tablespoons lard (replace with butter if you don’t have lard), chilled
8 tablespoons shortening, chilled
6-8 tablespoons ice water

Blend dry ingredients in food processor. Cut butter, lard and shortening in pieces. Blend butter and lard in with about 5-6 one second pulses. Blend shortening with 5 more one second pulses. Batter should resemble coarse crumbs. Transfer to bowl and add ice water. Stir in water with folding motion until dough just comes together. Divide in two balls, one a bit smaller than the other. Wrap dough balls in plastic and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Filling:

7-8 firm ripe pears
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon allspice
2 tablespoons tapioca

Peel, core, and slice pears into 1/2 inch thick slices (I also cut slices in half). Mix with sugar, spices, and tapioca granules.

Roll out larger ball of pie dough between two pieces of parchment paper than has been sprinkled with flour. Roll from the center out. Every 30 seconds or so, run a thin spatula all around under the dough disc to keep it from sticking. When it is about 12 inches in diameter, carefully fold it in fourths and then place it in the pie pan and unfold it. Place it in the refrigerator to keep cold while you roll out the top.

After you’ve rolled out the top piece, transfer filling to the pie pan with a slotted spoon. Pears have more liquid than apples (I was using a apple pie recipe), so you don’t want to use the liquid that’s accumulated at the bottom, it will make your bottom crust soggy. Dot the filling with bits of butter. Carefully place the top dough disc over the filling. Carefully cut off the excess, fold the bottom crust over the top and flute the edge. Slice 4 air vents in top crust. Place in freezer for ten minutes.

Cover edges with foil, and bake at 425 for 25 minutes (I placed it on a foil covered cookie sheet in case of overflow). Turn oven down to 350 and bake for 30-35 more minutes, removing foil for last ten minutes.

… for not updating for so long. It’s been a busy month, with both grandmas visiting and a very busy time at work.

I am trying to figure out if I want to keep this blog going. I think I have reached a stable weight—though unfortunately I have no idea what that is, because the gym scale is broken! It’s the only scale I have access to. But, I went to the store to get a new pair of jeans this week, and I am now the proud owner of some Levi’s 505s in size 8!

I have put the “Intuitive Eating” book on hold at the library, so when I get to reading that I might be interested in posting more on here. At any rate, I’ve been trying hard to listen to my body and keep my eating in balance, even as I’ve been leading a very busy life. I think it’s been working out very well for me. I’ve also been continuing my daily 10 minute exercise routine (2 sets each of pushups, situps, and squats), since I haven’t had a chance to go to the gym as often.

B: cottage cheese, veggies, chickpea flour pancake
S1: apple, PB
L: turkey meatloaf, veggies, piece of dark chocolate
S2: wheat berry salad
D: green salad/vinaigrette, 1/4 spring roll, summer veggie stew, glass wine
Dessert: 5 triscuits, cheese, figs

I wanted to update that I am still trying to follow the “intuitive eating” mindset and it is working out very well so far. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you tell yourself that you can always eat more later. I was proud that I even went out to dinner with that mindset (see my dinner above), and for the first time in forever I didn’t have that “I ate too much” feeling afterwards. I knew after eating a salad and a bit of appetizer I wouldn’t want a big entree, so I ordered something lighter. And then I didn’t even eat all of it. Then I got hungry at about 9:00, and so I had a little snack.

B: cottage cheese, veggies, chickpea flour/flax seed pancake
S1: apple, PB
L: carne adovada, veggies
S2: small green salad with figs and grated cheese (no dressing)
D: green salad, rye berry salad, 4 triscuits with smoked salmon and cream cheese, 2 glasses wine

All right, so for awhile now I’ve been seeing these references to so-called “intuitive eating,” and dismissed it in my mind as “someone trying to make money selling self-evident truths.” Then a funny thing happened. I got onto a “fat acceptance” blog yesterday (actually doing a google search for “intuitive eating”) and was surprised to see a strange convergence taking place. The things some of the commenters were saying were eerily similar to what I read on other, more diet- and healthy eating-oriented blogs. Things like, “When I want chocolate, I have a small piece of high quality dark chocolate, and then seems to satisfy my craving.” Or, “I try to listen to my body and figure out what it is telling me I want to eat, not just what my mind says will taste good at the moment.”

I also came across this part:

“I got into the habit of eating the “naughty” foods any time I felt I could get away with it, instead of when I was actually hungry for them …. Now, I’ve been practicing intuitive eating long enough that I really can have candy whenever I want without feeling guilty. And lo and behold, that means when I don’t want it… I don’t want it. On any level, conscious or unconscious.

“The reverse is also true. When I crave a salad — as I did the other day when Al and a couple of his co-workers said, “Let’s go out for cheeseburgers” — I eat a salad. Cheeseburger didn’t sound good to me; salad did. Period. In the past, all I would have registered was PERMISSION TO EAT CHEESEBURGER GRANTED! — not what my body was actually telling me to eat.”

Whoa.

I don’t have many really bad-for-you foods on my radar anymore, but I do find myself doing this with the foods I love that I feel I should limit, namely baked goods. Because I feel I “shouldn’t” eat too many breads and pastries, even healthy whole grain muffins and such, anytime I feel it is “allowed” I will jump at the chance. By doing this, I am not even paying attention to whether my body really wants it or not. And of course, a blueberry muffin is never going to taste bad.

Another thing I do, similar to this, is part of my “social eating” issues. I feel I shouldn’t eat something too different from what other people are eating, because I feel it will make them feel somehow awkward or uncomfortable. This extends beyond just feeling obligated to accept cookies or desserts offered to me. For instance, last night my mother and I were deciding what to have for dinner (she’s visiting for two weeks), and she suggested the carne adovada that we have left over. She hadn’t been able to try it yet and she wanted to. Normally I would have gone along with this and had it also, even though I had it for lunch, but this time I listened to my body and realized that after having a hearty meat meal for lunch, I really wanted something light for dinner. And besides, on leftovers night it really doesn’t matter! She can have the pork and I can have a salad. And that’s what we did.

So I am giving myself permission to eat anything I want, with the caveat that “you have to actually want it.” Yesterday was my first taste of this, and it was a very interesting, refreshing experience. (In addition to my experience with dinner that I described above, I also had brought a blueberry muffin to work–whole grain, low sugar and all that—to have for my afternoon snack. But when afternoon snack time rolled around what sounded good was veggies with a few figs and cheese. The difference was I wasn’t telling myself this was my only chance to eat that muffin.)

So I’m going to keep this up today and the rest of the week and we’ll see how it goes. I may not be posting every day for a little while, because with my mom here I won’t be spending as much time on the computer. But I’ll update in a few days with a progress report.

(You can read the posts on the FA blog about intuitive eating here and here.)

B: chickpea pancake, tomato, broccoli, cream cheese
S1: 3 multigrain blueberry muffins
L: chicken thigh, green salad, ww tortilla
S2: chewy bar
D: baked salmon, green salad, 3 quesadilla wedges/salsa/plain yogurt

I made my blueberry muffins again today. I followed the same general concept as last time, but this time used spelt flour, ww pastry flour, oats, and bran for the grain combination. For the wet ingredients I used mixture of buttermilk and yogurt, one egg plus 3 egg whites (I needed three egg yolks for another recipe), agave nectar, 2 mashed bananas, and some orange juice. They turned out well, I thought.

(8/7)
B: cottage cheese, veggies, chickpea/flax seed pancake
S1: apple, PB
L: grilled chicken thigh, bean salad, nectarine
S2: some crackers/cheese/figs, a few apple slices/PB, a few chips, glass wine
D: big salad/no dressing, quesadilla, glass wine
Dessert: “chewy” (bar cookie), decaf

We had some graham crackers that have been sitting around for awhile, plus a can of sweetened condensed milk. So I got some chocolate chips and made some bar cookies, my husband’s favorite growing up. We got the recipe from his mom:

Chewies

2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 small can sweetened condensed milk
1 package chocolate chips
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 teaspoon baking powder

Mix all ingredients, spread into a greased 8 X 8 pan. (Addition: I laid some whole pecans on top.) Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes.

I can tell these are going to be dangerous. I thought they would be too sweet for my palate these days, but no. Delicious. Especially with some coffee.

I have been neglecting my food journal lately, but I haven’t been eating too badly. My afternoon snack, as you can see, wasn’t too great today. I had my cracker/cheese/figs snack when I got home from work at 4:00, then I saw that my husband had gone to Costco and bought me some Gala apples. They looked so good I had to have one, and I had a peanut butter jar that was almost gone. The fates seemed to converge.

Then, I went to pick up my girls (they were at a neighbor’s), and she had snacks laid out and offered me a glass of wine. I had a few chips, not too many, but more than I needed after the big snack I had just had.

For dinner, though, after all that, I wasn’t too hungry, so I waited until 7:30 and then made myself a big salad. Instead of salad dressing, I cut up a ww quesadilla into bite sized pieces and tossed them with salsa, then spread them over the top of the salad. It was good, actually.

I am continuing to do my daily morning exercises of pushups and squats, and as of last week added two sets of crunches to the mix. So even though my gym attendance has been sporadic, at least I’ve kept that up.